


Confused.

by buckedz



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Denial, M/M, Pining, im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-02
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-13 22:13:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29160966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buckedz/pseuds/buckedz
Summary: One is sure.One is confused.
Relationships: Christopher Diaz & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley & Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 10
Kudos: 157





	1. Kissing and being confused.

Buck has been looking forward to his Grindr date since the time they agreed to go on one. Well, not technically a date. These past days has been so rough and emotionally exhausting and he really need to let off some steam. This date consists of cold beers, take-outs that are still not eaten, and an attempt were made to watch Netflix. It was all just courtesy of not coming off as too needy and horny. But, Ian, the guy from Grindr, was all business. He came for a hook-up session, and that's about it.

So, here they are.

Alone in Buck's apartment. On the couch, in front of the too big LED television, kissing and grinding. 

Buck didn't really do hook-ups or one night stands anymore but the itch to be touched is almost unbearable these days. Insufferable, even, when the one he really wants to be touched with is not on the same page he is on. 

"You smell good, Tommy."

Another thing about Buck, he doesn't like disclosing his real name to his Grindr dates. It's personal to him.

"Damn right, I do. Come on, man. Stop fooling around."

Ian smirks, devilish thoughts of what he's going to do to Buck occupying his mind, "Impatient."

Buck, or, now Tom, grins back, "Known for it. Take me upstairs."

But Ian kisses Buck more, left hand on his neck, occasionally pressing a little too hard, while his right hand massaging Buck through the shorts. Buck moans loudly, earning a chuckle from Ian.

Ian slips his hand inside the waistband and grab the hardening dick, applying gracious amount of pleasure, making Buck moans erratically and squirms under him.

And that's the moment Eddie let himself into Buck's apartment, using the spare key Buck gave him two months ago, juggling two boxes of pizza and a pack of Buck's favourite beers. He chimes in with a, "Hey, Buck. I'm–" but stops, freezes, when he sees both of them and accidentally drops the pizza boxes when he catches eyes with Buck. Looking sinfully beautiful underneath the guy. 

"Eddie, what are you doing– what day is today?" Buck asks Ian as he scrambles off him, trying to get to Eddie.

Eddie blinks twice, and heaves in a breath then say, "I- uh, I'll just... I'm sorry. I'll go."

Ian answers Buck, "It's Thursday."

Buck curses, "Fuck. Eddie, wait!" But, Eddie is also turning his heel, walking out the door.

He manages to catch Eddie in the hallway and corners him to the side. "Eddie, I'm so sorry. I forgot it's Thursday. I lost track of time. I swear it wasn't intentional."

Eddie can't even look him in the eyes. His eyes darts everywhere but Buck's. "It's fine. I shouldn't barge in like that. I hope I-uh, didn't ruin what ever you guys got going on."

Buck is silent. He's feeling so conflicted.

"No, it's nothing."

Now, Eddie is silent.

"Eddie?" He calls and the man looks up at him.

"I didn't know you like men," Eddie says.

Buck smiles at him, "Always have been and I didn't really try to hide it."

Eddie finally looks at him, "Okay."

Buck sighs, "I know I should've told you but I don't know, I just don't feel the need to tell you this."

Eddie shakes his head, tries to offer a smile, which results in a half-hearted one, "No, I completely understand. I just–" He stops himself, then recollects his thoughts. Buck's eyes are searching, staring so deeply into Eddie. 

Buck voices, "You need time to process this whole thing?"

Eddie smiles, the one he does when he is overthinking, "Maybe. But, you know what, we can talk about this some other days. Or not at all. I gotta go." Eddie walks but Buck stops him, standing too close that Eddie could smell the foreign cologne on his shirt. 

Buck sighs again, "Hey, I'm really sorry about this. I forgot it's Thursday. God, I feel like shit."

You should, Eddie thinks.

But, he says, "No, no. Just, I'll see you at work." 

Buck nods, "All right."

Eddie walks away, and Buck feels like this is the weirdest moment of their friendship. And it feels just wrong letting Eddie walks away like that. 

But, oh well, at least he has the mental image of what Eddie looks like clean-shaven, eyes shining, smile a little shy when he continues his session with Ian.

"Who's that?" 

"A friend."

Ian chuckles, "Friends don't look at each other like that."

"What?"

"I saw you talking with him. You don't look at him like a friend, Tommy. Or what ever your name is."

Buck tilts his head, "Just call me Tommy. And yeah, thanks for eavesdropping and noticing that it's not platonic with the way I looked at him."

"Then, why am I here?"

Buck smiles, "Because we don't always get what we want. Even though it is right in front of us."

Ian shrugs, "Wise. Depressing."

"Just fuck me and leave." 

🌼

Now, this. This feels wrong.

This being the tension he feels whenever Eddie is around him after the incident. First, he didn't think it is a big deal. It shouldn't have been. His crush is unrequited. Second, he didn't think Eddie thinks that this is a big deal. But, no. Eddie is clearly tip-toeing around Buck. Actions halted, words filtered. Just overall wrong. He is starting to feel like Eddie is being weird for no reason.

It's been three days. 

And Buck can't accept this. 

His heart can't accept it.

"Eddie, there's a flea market down at the pier." Buck starts, sipping his ice-blended matcha. Eddie looks up from his phone, still crunching on the cookies Chimney bought earlier, "And?" Buck rolls his eyes, "Come with me. After this shift. And you can't say no because Christopher is at Abuela's today."

Eddie sighs, "Buck, I–"

Buck cuts him off, "Is this about me liking men? Does that weirds you out? Being a friend with a guy who likes guys?"

Eddie looks betrayed, which probably fair since Buck accused him like that. "What? No!" He said a little too loud, earning a smile from Buck. Eddie glares at Buck, "Fine, I'll go with you."

Buck nods, standing up from the couch, "Nice, and you should know we're going to talk about this because it bothers me. It bothers you."

Eddie looks at Buck, not saying a word.

🌼

"Okay, talk." Buck says. They're now sitting at the beach, close to the pier. Distinct chatters are heard from a distance. Both of them holding a taco each. Eddie didn't look up at Buck, just bite into his taco then says, "I don't know what is there to talk about."

Buck sighs, clearly annoyed with the way Eddie is treating this matter. "Cool. Then, why are you acting so weird?"

Eddie shrugs, "I don't."

Buck put down his taco. More like slams it beside him.

"You are. And it's confusing me. What? You're like homophobic or something? You're fine with Hen but why you're acting different with me?"

Eddie also puts down his taco, "Buck, it's not about that."

Buck stubbornly disagrees, "It is. You know it."

Eddie is silent.

Buck continues, "You didn't return my text. My calls. You don't even look at me in the eyes anymore." 

Eddie looks at him, "The guy from the other day, he's your boyfriend?"

Buck's eyebrows furrow, "No, he's just a hook up."

Eddie looks away. He's contemplating something. There is a lot going on his mind right now. His feelings are all over the place too.

"Buck, I'm confused."

Buck looks at Eddie, even though he is looking at the sea, "About?"

Eddie wipes his nose, then settles his hands on his thighs, picking at the nails, "About what happened. And what I'm feeling." 

Buck waits.

"Since I saw you with him, something stirred in me."

Buck waits.

"It's like, you're so free. And it makes me want that kind of liberty. It's weird, I'm sorry."

Buck closes his eyes, then opens them again, "You don't have to feel sorry. You're allowed to feel things."

Eddie hums, "When I was in the army, it's normal for me to have desire towards men. But it dies down when I'm out."

Buck turns to him, right hand picking up the taco, "Until?" 

Buck bites into the taco with Eddie eyeing his every move, still quite bizarre how Buck knows him well. Too well, sometimes. "Until I saw you. I've said it."

Buck purses his lips, "What do you want me to do?" 

Eddie is very confused now, "What do you mean?"

Buck bites again, "I don't know, Eddie. You tell me what it means."

Eddie sighs, "I guess. I'm just trying to process the fact that I–um, I might like men."

Buck smiles, which slowly turns into chuckles, "Hey, welcome to the club, dude. It's fun to play for both teams."

Eddie sighs, "But, I don't want to rush or do like hook-ups. I'm thirty-three, Buck. I got no time for that." 

Buck tuts, "You think I have time?"

Eddie raises an eyebrow, reaching for his own taco, "Asshole."

Buck chuckles again, "I'm serious! He's the first person in almost a year."

Eddie bites, "You're joking."

Buck folds his taco wrap, "I wish I am. But, nope. Hundred percent truth."

Eddie looks at Buck, "Would it be weird if we go to a club?"

"Gay club?" Buck eyes Eddie. 

Eddie nods.

"Right now?"

Eddie nods.

Buck laughs.

Eddie laughs too.

"Go get changed, tiger."

The music. Eddie almost missed this feeling of just letting the bass take over his veins, let his body follow the vibrations but tonight is different. With Buck, his best friend who's looking too good to be true, around him. He feels pressured.

Buck is already moving his body through the crowds, definitely going to enjoy this night more than Eddie. Eddie is nervous. This isn't his scene. 

Eddie moves closer to Buck, "Buck, I think I made a mistake." 

Buck does a once over, "Edmundo, you've dressed this irresistible just to back out? I mean, no one is going to judge you here." 

Eddie does looks irresistible. He's wearing a dark emerald turtleneck which is tucked into his black jeans and black leather belt that is perfectly fitted into his curvy figure. He styles his hair curly and to top it off, he puts on a silver necklace. 

A very papi chulo look.

Buck digs it.

Damn, he wants Eddie so badly tonight.

Eddie takes a deep breath, "Okay, okay. I'll have fun."

They go to the bar first, ordering drinks to fuel up the night. From the corner of his eyes, Buck could sense a few men already setting their eyes on him and Eddie. It's intoxicating to be this wanted. But, it's much more intoxicating watching Eddie nerves go wild. Buck slings his arm over Eddie's shoulder as he bends down, "Loosen up, Eddie. And you might get a few free drinks coming up. I'll be dancing if you need me." 

Before Buck could completely let go of Eddie's shoulder, Eddie catches his arm, pulling him close. "Wait, Buck. You can't leave me alone here." 

Buck looks at Eddie, contemplating for a bit, but decides to let Eddie explore this for himself. Staying with Eddie is not good for him. Not when Eddie is looking like that. He can't promise he'll keep his hands to himself.

"Eddie, you'll be fine. I'll be right over there," Buck winks over to a man behind Eddie. The one who has been eyeing Eddie since they walk into the club. Eddie looks over to the man, who holds up a drink as a greeting. Eddie smiles. Small, and still nervous.

Buck is vanished. 

"So, you're here with him?" The man saunters over, sitting too close for Eddie's liking. _Eddie, you can do this._ "Who? Buck? No, we're not– he's my friend." 

The man chuckles, "Christian."

Eddie nods, "Eddie."

They talk, drink a lot more, and Eddie is starting to feel easy on the mind. He excuses himself from Christian, "I'm gonna just go over there. I wanna dance." 

Christian rolls his eyes, "Are you inviting or?"

Eddie shrugs, "You can come." He offers his hand, grinning, and Christian takes his hand.

Eddie has his arms around Christian as they move to the beat. That is until he sees Buck, who is also dancing and laughing. He looks so free with the way he is moving his body, languid and intimate. Eddie wants that. He wants it now. 

Christian sees the way Eddie watches Buck, eyes locked and mind spaced out. He could only laugh. This is not the first time he's seen the pining for my friend situation. If he could, which he could, he would tell Eddie to suck it up and just dive head first to end this awkward. And he will do it now.

He leans into Eddie, "You sure you wanna dance with me?" 

Eddie takes a step back, "What?"

Christian shrugs, "He's right there. Been a good night, Eddie. But I really want to have fun with someone who wants to have fun with me."

Eddie turns to look at Buck and the back at Christian, who's gone. _Huh, that was fast_.

So, he walks over to Buck who grins at him, like this is what he wants too. He grins back. 

"Found anyone?" Buck asks, still swaying to the music. 

Eddie takes his time to answer, "Yes. You." 

Buck's eyebrows shoot up, but smiles nonetheless, "All right, I see you. Come on." Buck motions for Eddie to step closer, and just dance. Eddie is still... entranced? Buck couldn't put a word on it but he knows how to take what ever Eddie wants to give.

"I saw you talking with that one guy. How'd it go?" Buck asked, almost shouting with the loudness dawning on them. Eddie get closer to Buck, the same way he was leaning into Christian. "He's fine. Talked about the job a little bit, drank, danced."

Buck nods, "Is that it?"

Eddie nods.

Buck tilts his head, "So, no exchange of numbers?"

Eddie grins, "Nah, I–uh, too early. Besides, I came with you, didn't I?"

Buck shakes his head, mentally cursing at Eddie and especially himself, "You are so confusing, Eddie."

Eddie was and still is watching Buck's lips. They're so pink. While he realizes that he had his bisexual awakening after watching Buck moaned and squirmed underneath a guy, he supposes Buck at least owes him a kiss. On the lips.

"Hey, can I kiss you?" 

Buck stops dancing, even though his hands are settled around Eddie's waist, while Eddie has his around Buck's shoulders. 

When Buck doesn't answer, Eddie says, "I just want to know how it feels like to kiss a man." 

Buck blinks, "I–yeah, okay. Of course." 

Eddie smiles, while Buck can feel his head getting heavy with anticipation and upcoming disappointment. 

Eddie puts a hand on the back of Buck's neck, pulling him down for a kiss. Too long for Buck's misery. And Buck is a mess. He closes his eyes when Eddie kisses him, tightens his arms around the waist, bringing them closer, glued together from waist to chest. He does not want to let go. The music is just a faint sound, as he listens to Eddie's humming and the way his heart hammers against his chest. 

He thought Eddie would just give him a small peck but it does not happen that way. Eddie was hesitant at first, Buck can feel it, but once Buck kisses back, Eddie tilts his head a little to the left and kisses deeper. He moves his fingers from Buck's neck up into his hair, giving them a soft tug which has Buck's toes curling. The craziest part is when Eddie moans and sticks his tongue, going in for more than just a kiss. And Buck, of course he melts into it right away. Parting his lips for a dream comes true.

Eddie is amazing at kissing.

But he could feel his eyebrows starts to furrow in confusion and hesitation. And when Eddie kisses him again and again, his mind goes into haywire. 

_You're going to live in this moment forever, and it will bring so much pain to you, Evan. You should stop._

But, Buck doesn't want to. And the contradicting thoughts and feels makes him so emotional. The tears start pooling.

As he opens his eyes, his eyelashes are wet and his head is thudding lightly. Eddie who is still intoxicated by the drinks and kiss, is smiling up at him. His brown eyes glazed over, drunk off the drinks. Then, Eddie grins, closes his eyes and lands his head on Buck's left shoulder, swaying softly despite the upbeat music. 

Buck holds him, still.

And, this is all too much for Buck.

He couldn't contain his emotion.

He doesn't ever want this happen.

At least, not like this. Not when Eddie would wake up tomorrow and they'll be just friends.

Eddie likes it. The kiss, and the way Buck is holding him. He feels safe. And cared for. Then, he looks up again at Buck who's gone too quiet, and notices the wet eyes.

"Buck?" 

Buck blinks and a tear escapes which Buck quickly wipes. "Hey, what's wrong?" He asks so softly; Buck's heart is breaking.

But, he manages to shake his head.

Eddie steps away but still holding Buck close to him, "Buck, I–did I do something wrong? Was–"

Buck shakes his head, "No, no. I think, uh, I need some air."

Eddie looks at him, eyebrows furrowing deeper than they already are.

Buck breathes, "I wanna go home."

Eddie nods, the realization or assumption starting to sober him up, "Okay." 

Eddie drives. Buck looks out the window. Silent. Very out of character.

So, Eddie stays silent too.

He didn't realize it. And now, it's just weird. But, he likes the kiss. He definitely likes the fact that Buck was the one he kissed and held.

He parks his car in Buck's driveway.

Buck is ready to leave even though Eddie could see there is so much going on in his head, and that he needs to talk about it. Buck is always like that. He needs to talk about things.

Eddie calls him, "Buck, wait."

Buck stops immediately, and turns to face Eddie. Eddie sighs, "We need to talk."

Buck thinks, then nods, "Yeah. We do. And," he pauses, "I'll start." 

Eddie nods.

"I'm sorry for acting weird. I didn't mean for it to be this way. I just, it's–" he pauses to look at Eddie who's listening intently, giving Buck the permission to say anything he wants to, "–it's too overwhelming for me, Eddie." 

Eddie nods again, a gesture of understanding.

Buck breathes in and out, "We should forget this ever happened." 

Eddie chuckles, bitter and dry, "That bad, huh?"

Buck huffs, "You've gotta be kidding me, man." 

Eddie sighs, "I liked the kiss, Buck."

Buck's eyes shoot over to Eddie's brown ones. And Eddie continues, shifting so he's facing Buck.

"Thinking about the kiss again, I liked it. Still like it. And I also like it when you held me. I don't know, Buck. I'm confused too."

Buck watches Eddie intensely, "I'm not confused. At least not about what I feel," he spare a few more words.

Eddie does not miss the stare at all.

Buck voices, "Maybe, this whole thing is just...um, you trying to figure things out and I happen to be in the middle of it. I know it's a lot. I've been there, trust me."

Eddie cuts him off, "But, Buck, I said I like the way you kissed me." 

Buck bites his lower lip, thinking this is not what Eddie wants. He's just in the moment with adrenaline still pumping through his veins. 

Buck smiles, "I'll take the compliment, but Eddie you should think about this. You have a lot on your plate. And I don't want to add more into it."

Eddie blinks and stares down, before looking back at Buck, "Okay." He's confused. Very. Because Buck is evidently likes him but he's being reluctant about them being together?

This is just wrong.

Buck opens the door, "Good night, Eddie." 

Eddie says softly, "Night, Buck."

And when Buck smiles at him, he knows Buck is hurting and he doesn't want Buck to feel that way.

He wants Buck to feel happy.

He wants Buck.

🌼 


	2. Talking to make it less confusing.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck talks to Maddie.  
> Chris asks Eddie why Natasha has two dads.

Eddie stares at the ceiling. It's been two hours since the talk they had in the car. He remembers it clearly. Buck's eyes. Blue, but visibly hurt when wished Eddie a good night. His smile, enough, but not bright enough, trying to fool Eddie like he always does. Buck's words. Too careful. Too reluctant. Almost as if he was holding himself back. 

Eddie sighs, closes his eyes, before turning to his left side away from the lamp. He absent-mindedly touches the empty space. His fingers gliding over the grey comforter, longing for it to be warmed by a person. A very specific person.

He opens his eyes, wider than normal, a realization hitting him like a brick. His chest rises and falls too quick for his own good, feeling the anxiety filling him in an instant. He blinks forcefully and makes himself calm, breathing in and out using the breathing technique his coach once told him.

He needs to talk to Buck.

But, of course. He doesn't mean it to be the next day, where they were trying to fake it through their shift. Hen has been throwing them weird but knowing looks every know and then. She knows something's wrong but she knows better than to interfere.

Buck still sits besides Eddie during their lunch break. 

Eddie still talks to him on their calls.

But, something is off.

Neither wants to give in first.

That night, Buck messages Maddie.

To: Big Sis Mads

Something happened between me and Eddie.

Three minutes later, his phone rings.

Maddie: What happened? Are you alright?

Buck: Yeah, I am. I don't know, Mads. We, uh, we kissed. And-and it was happening too fast and now we're sort of in the awkward moment–

Maddie: You guys kissed? 

Buck sighs, pushing down Eddie's face that keeps emerging in his head. He proceeds to tell Maddie every details of what happened. By the time he finishes, it was almost ten.

Maddie: You like him.

Buck: I know that. I just don't think that this is what he wants. What if it's just him being pumped up by the drink and the excitement of exploring the new environment? 

Maddie: Buck, this is beyond my control. But, one thing I learned through all these years is communication and its honesty. You have to talk to him, Evan. Maybe, yes, you guys are right now in a weird kind of situation but I know Eddie is a good guy. He wouldn't do stupid things that could ruin your friendship. Talk to him.

It is silence for a almost ten seconds.

Buck: I'm afraid, Mads. He's– he and Christopher mean so much to me and I don't want to ever gamble that.

Maddie sighs, sad for his little brother.

Maddie: Evan, I know. But, if this is bothering you emotionally and mentally, it's not good. Eventually, you will have to face this. And always remember, I will be here. Whenever you need me, okay?

Buck: You promise?

Maddie smiles.

Maddie: I pinky-promise.

Buck laughs.

It is quiet at the Diaz household as Eddie tucks Christopher in.

Christopher looks up at his father with his big blue eyes, reminding Eddie of another pair that he's been dreaming of. "Dad?" His son's voice is soft and curious.

Eddie looks at Chris, "Sí, mijo?"

Christopher hugs his stuffed duckling Buck got him on his birthday, "Natasha have two dads."

Eddie blinks, "Really? That's great."

"Yeah. But why does she have two dads?"

Eddie smiles, placing a hand on Chris' head and softly caressing it. "Because they choose to love each other. It's the same with any parents."

Chris' hums, looking thoughtful it's almost painfully adorable if Eddie thinks about how fast time flies, "Can Buck be my dad? So, I can have two dads just like Natasha. And you love him."

_He does?_

Eddie almost chokes on air, and his heart hammers in his chest, panic rising. Eddie stares at Chris, who stares back innocently, "Chris, are you sure you want that?"

Chris nods, "Yeah, he makes me happy. I love him because he always cook for me. And he always help me with my homework."

Eddie feels like crying.

He tears up, and Chris holds his face, "Dad, are you okay?"

And he hugs Chris, who hugs him back and makes him feel so grateful.

"I'm okay, mijo. I love you so much."

Chris whispers, "I love you too, dad."

Maybe the moment isn't an answer to what he has been feeling, but it does brings him to another realization. Of how he has always co-parenting Chris with Buck. And how Buck never once complaints except when Chris was cheating during their weekly game night. And how Buck always made sure he would stock up the Diaz fridge and cook them edible meal after every grocery shopping he and Eddie did. 

And how Buck always turn to him whenever he felt like he needed to compartmentalize his emotions.

And how Eddie himself was always there. Willing to listen and indulge himself into every bit of what Evan Buckley is.

As he lays down, scrolling the last few messages he sent Buck before the kiss, he hums. Thumbs hovering the call button.

But, he locks his phone.

Determine to ask Buck for a dinner tomorrow, he forced himself to sleep at two in the morning.

🌼

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys don't hate me. Thanks for reading! 🌼


	3. Talking and no confusion.

Buck is afraid. For so many things. Maddie is right about this. His feelings are intensified since they kissed. They shouldn't have kissed. He should've rejected Eddie's request to kiss him the other day.

Because now, all he can think about is the kiss. He wants it again. He wants to trail kisses along Eddie's stubbled jaw; down to his neck, leaving marks to claim Eddie; down to his collarbone, worshipping the way he taste under his tongue.

He wants more of Eddie.

He also wants Christopher. The sweet smiles of him. The way Christopher always share his opinion with Buck on the simplest of matter–like how the sky would be prettier if it's in the colour of purple. The way Christopher lazily climbed onto his lap whenever they were watching a movie of his choice, and drawing shapes and patterns on his forearm.

He wants them to be a family.

And that thought always terrifies him to no end.

Because he seems to mess up what ever good thing he got going. He remembers the look on Eddie's face when he confronted his colleagues to apologize for the lawsuit. He remembers Eddie's voice, the hurt and anger in it, when he says, "You're exhausting."

He remembers how Eddie's voice crack as he said, "Do you know how much Christopher misses you?"

That sends him in waves of self doubts.

The fear amplifies when Eddie invited him over for a dinner.

A dinner with Eddie never just dinner.

It means, I think we need to talk.

Buck wants to take Maddie's advice so badly but he feels scared. Of rejection. Of ruining what ever they have.

"Eddie, is this about the night we kissed?" Buck lowers his voice as he closes his locker, facing Eddie who is seated on the bench. Eddie licks his lips, looking around to scan the room, before talking, "Yes, it is."

Buck leans against the locker, head hangs low before he slowly nods.

Eddie hums, "You okay?"

Buck takes a seat beside him, chuckling, "That was rhetorical but yeah, I am."

Eddie rolls his eyes, "No, you're not and possibly it's because what are we going to talk about, right?"

"Man, you're such a genius."

"Come on, Buck. I'm serious."

Buck is silent for a while, praying for strength to whoever listening.

Eddie, of course, he waits.

"I'm scared." Buck starts. "Of what you want to say."

Eddie locks his eyes with Buck, a quick reminder to the way he had stared into Buck's soul when Eddie told him he trusts Buck with Christopher. "You don't have to be afraid. We're just going to talk. Like we always do."

Buck clenches his jaw, feeling the stress building up, "I can't help it. You know me."

Eddie nods, not a single playfulness on display, "I do." He breathes, "Well, at least, hold it until this shift's end."

Buck gives a quick, little smile, "That, I can do."

Eddie stands up, squeezing Buck's left shoulder, before he goes out of the locker room.

It was already 8:40 PM. Eddie knows Buck is dreading this dinner–this talk. They always had their dinner around 8 o'clock with Christopher. Eddie stares at the clock like it is it's fault for making Buck late. The ticking annoys him so much so he grabs his phone to call Buck. But, Christopher beats him to it, already greeting Buck using the landline.

"Hello, Buck."

Buck smiles, always soft for Christopher, "Hey, buddy. Is everything alright?"

Christopher answers, "Yeah, we're just waiting for you. You're never late."

Buck chuckles, trying to hide his nerves, "I know, um, I got some stuff to do. I'll arrive in five minutes. Will you wait for me, buddy?"

Christopher smiles. Eddie watches. "Sure, Buck. Drive safely. Love you."

Eddie breathes out, with a small smile on display.

Buck grins, "Love you too, Christopher."

So, Buck arrives ten minutes later. Christopher is already eating by the time he walks into the house with Eddie tailing him. Eddie says, "He said he was too hungry."

Buck looks at him, guilty and anxious, then walks towards the table to greet Christopher. "Hey, Chris. I'm sorry for being late."

Christopher blinks at him, "It's okay, Buck. I just ate two meatballs. Come on, let's eat!"

They eat. Christopher telling him about a book he read earlier regarding the kingdom of ants. Buck listens intently and is genuinely into the conversation with Eddie slipping in a few questions.

After they eat, Eddie tells Christopher to go brush his teeth.

But Christopher instead asks, "Are you guys fighting?"

Eddie shakes his head, "What–No. What makes you say that?"

Christopher shrugs, "You seem sad. And Buck isn't as funny as always."

Eddie smiles, "Mijo, we're no fighting, okay? Me and Buck are just going to have a talk so we can understand each other a bit better."

Christopher nods, "Like when I talk to Stephen about sharing the crayons?"

Eddie chuckles, "Sí, mijo. Exactly like that."

Christopher nods again, "Okay, dad."

Then, Eddie tucks him into bed, kisses his forehead before returning to the living room. Buck is sat down, phone is his right hand, mindlessly scrolling his Instagram.

"Hey," Eddie sits beside him. The air in the room instantly drops a few degrees, making both of them so alert of one another.

Buck looks up as he locks his phone, his thumb rubbing the side of it.

"Yeah, hi." He smiles awkwardly.

Eddie smiles. It's one of those soft smiles that Buck loves so much.

"This is so awkward," Eddie pauses, "Don't you think so?"

Buck lets out a laugh, "Uh, yeah. I think it's supposed to be awkward and super uncomfortable. Because, you know. We are going to..."

Eddie raises an eyebrow, quite amused with how Buck is acting.

Buck sighs, runs his fingers through his hair before saying, "Eddie, I'm seconds away from exploding so, can you just say what you wanna say to me?"

If Eddie didn't know how Buck is, he probably will be so irritated by him. But, no, this is Buck.

Eddie shrugs, "First of all, are we good?"

Buck tilts his head, with his eyebrows furrowing, "Yeah. Yeah, we are. Do you think we're not?"

"No, I think we are good, too."

"Great."

Eddie parrots, "Great."

Buck looks at Eddie. Clearly, they are not prepared to talk about this.

But, Buck loses his grip, all plans go to hell and just roll with it.

"What you say in the truck, after we...uh," He trails off but Eddie helps him with, "Kissed? Make out?"

Buck gapes at him.

And Eddie is enjoying this, laughing at Buck.

"Yes, that. I mean, did you mean all of that? All the things you say?"

Eddie scans Buck's face, as he smiles, "Everything. Wasn't just in the heat of the moment."

Buck nods.

Eddie bits his lower lip, nervous as he asks the question he's been dying to ask, "Why did you seem to shield it from me? I remember how you kissed me. And even though it's been a while, I know if someone's interested."

Buck is silent for five seconds.

He looks away from Eddie for a split second before turning to him with concerned eyes. "Things will change if we talk about this."

Eddie agrees. He really does. "Yes, but...it doesn't have to be a bad change."

Buck feels a sliver of hope creeping into his heart.

Eddie tries again, "I promise you, it's not going to end badly tonight."

Buck blinks then heaves in a deep breath.

"I was scared. For both us. I'm scared that it might just be a mistake we made because we misread the situation and then just fucked this whole thing up."

He pauses.

Then, continue exasperatedly, "And I was scared...I could lose you and Christopher. I mean, you guys mean so much to me. What if I mess this up?"

Eddie looks at him, eyebrows furrowing in understanding and as Buck reaches the end of his sentence, Eddie shakes his head. "Buck," he says softly, "no. I can't promise you that you and I are not going to mess up, but we can always try to make the best of this. What ever this is going to be."

It was deafening. How spontaneously and willingly Eddie would take Buck into his life. Into Christopher's life.

Eddie clears his throat, "I talked to Chris about this.

Buck intercepted, "I talked to Maddie."

Eddie smiles at him. "Okay, you wanna go first?" And he inches closer to Buck, putting lesser distance between both of them on the couch, knees almost touching. A reassurance for Buck to continue, which he does. In return, Buck listens to Eddie.

"And then, I wanted to call you. But I didn't."

Buck smiles because that is so Eddie. If he wants to tell Buck a story, he does it when they're together, face to face, with beers in hands and some food or snacks spread out in front of them.

Eddie sighs a relief. "I just–when I saw you with that guy. Remember when I walked in on you guys–"

Buck stops him, wide-eyed as he says, "Yes, yes! I remember. Vividly. Continue."

Eddie grins, "I was just confused on why that bothered me so damn much."

Buck smirks, "You were having gay panic."

Eddie scrunches up his nose as he blinks and man, Buck thinks that is cute.

"I guess that's what it was."

"Are you still confused?"

Eddie shakes his head, "No. Not anymore. After we talked in the car, then that last look you gave me, I just had this feeling."

Buck nods.

Eddie looks at him. "You looked sad."

Buck laughs, "Well, I was."

Eddie takes Buck's hand in his. Hesitantly, but does it anyway.

"I'm sorry."

Buck squeezes his hand, "I'm emotional."

Eddie huffs a chuckle, shaking his head before continues, "I want you to be happy, Buck. I want to make you happy."

Buck licks his lips as he inhales. A wave of emotions hitting him at the same time.

Eddie says, "So, may I?"

Buck is so overwhelmed that his brain short-circuits and he says, "What?"

Eddie mentally curses himself for being too vague because he is nervous too.

"Make you happy."

Buck nods, a grins spreading, also aware of the fact that tears are pooling in his eyes. "Yeah, I'd like that so much, Eddie."

Eddie smiles, "So, are we a thing now?"

Buck tilts his head.

Eddie tries again, "Boyfriends?"

Buck laughs.

"Uh, partners?"

Buck keeps laughing as he launches forward to hug Eddie. He hugs him tight. This is finally happening. Everything he ever wanted since he saw Eddie at the firehouse, slipping on his LAFD inner.

Eddie hugs him too, rubbing his back gently before moving his hand to Buck's head, burrying his fingers into Buck's hair.

Buck needs the hug so bad.

He whispers, "We're together, now." More to himself.

Eddie kisses the side of his head, "Yes, we are."

Buck pulls back, hands finding Eddie's. "We are really doing this."

Eddie rolls his eyes playfully, "Yes, Buck."

Buck grins before it turns into a serious look, "Do you know how long I've liked you?"

Eddie pulls Buck closer to him, "Since the first day of my probationary period in house 118."

Buck huffs, "I was that obvious, huh?"

Eddie pulls Buck onto his lap as he says, "Oh, yeah, you were."

Buck gasps when the spaces between them disappears, their upper bodies complement each other perfectly. "And you still are."

Buck's gaze changes. Heat. Pupils growing in size.

"Can I kiss you?"

Buck cups Eddie's face in both of his hands, examining every detail, before leaning in to kiss him. Even though he closes his eyes, everything is in clarity.

The languid movement of their bodies.

The desperate sounds.

The voice in his head screaming joyfully that their together. For real. And if they work it to their best, it will be for good.

All of that–insane.

🌼

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally! Find me on Tumblr :) love y'all.


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